Google Snook and Gillyweedrules: A Life Story
by DimDim
Summary: The fan fiction everyone wants to read involves a Snitch mooning Draco Malfoy, Fawkes the Phoenix possessing Ron, and most importantly, the death of Pansy Parkinson.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter is JK Rowling's. (Duh).

A/N: This was also written by Google Snook. Read her fanfictions immediately because they're really good.

**Bold - written by Gillyweedrules**

Normal - written by Google Snook

**Harry was sitting on the front porch of his grandfather's house, yes he was loved. But not by his grandfather who has nothing to do with the plot, but by the golden snitch that was passing by his bedroom window. Who could have thought such a gentle, kind thing could be hated by many. Yes the golden snitch was taking over the world.**

'Has anyone seen my green underpants?' asked the Snitch inconsequentially. Harry was angered by this immensely.

'NO, I HAVE NOT BLOODY WELL SEEN YOUR GREEN UNDERPANTS!' he screamed so loudly he thought his throat might tear.

The Snitch (hereon in to be referred to as "The Little Bitch") was highly affronted. It shook its tiny little head angrily at Harry, and mooned a passing car.

**All of a sudden that car stopped. And out of that car came none other that Draco Malfoy.**

**'WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MOONING ME LIKE THAT? WAIT UNTIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!'**

The Little Bitch blinked.

'Fine,' it said coolly. 'I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your car if I were you, _Draconius_.'

'Harsh,' said Harry conversationally, nodding his head to the tunes playing on his iPod.

The Little Bitch (hereon in to be referred to as "The Snitch") just shrugged its little shoulders nonchalantly. 'Aah, well, ya know, you gotta do what you gotta do!'

Harry chuckled, and grabbed himself another beer. 'You got that one right,' said he, lounging on his chair at ease, tilting it on two legs. He was very good-looking; his dark hair fell back into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James's not Sirius's could ever have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully.

'What you looking at, _eejit_!' he said angrily.

**The girl gave an offended look and sniffed in a very Aunt Petunia-ish way.**

**All of sudden, Ron appeared. 'Why hello there old chap! Loverly day for swimming with the giant squid isn't it?' Harry was very confused. Ron had never talked this way before. It was almost like he was possessed. In fact Ron was possessed by none other than Fawkes.**

**'Fawkes? Is that you?' questioned Harry.**

**'What if it is?' replied Fawkes.**

**'Well, it's just that…..aren't you a bird?'**

**'Well spotted.'**

Harry shrugged dismissively. 'It could happen,' he said, but walked up to Fawkes/Ron and shook him nonetheless.

'Ron! Ron! Are you in there? I know you are! Wake up, wake up!'

A cold voice issued from the darkness. 'He won't wake,'

'Y – y – you're Tom Riddle!' Harry stuttered. He had never been this excited in his life.

'Indeed,' Tom said boredly, and with a quick wave of his wand, released Fawkes from Ron immediately.

Ron lay panting on the ground, but Fawkes tossed his hair angrily and stalked off.

Meanwhile, the girl standing behind Harry checking him out turned out to be Ginny.

Harry grinned suggestively at her, and then gestured out of the portrait hole. A long walk in the grounds seemed indicated, during which, if they had time, they might discuss the match.

Ron didn't understand.

**On Harry and Ginny's "walk", they had made their way to Hagrid's cabin which was shaking violently.**

**'I wonder what they are doing in there.' Harry thought aloud.**

**'What do you mean by "they"?' asked Ginny.**

**'Oh, I saw Fleur enter his cabin whilst I was looking out the dormitory window.'**

**Ginny stared at him, horror stuck by what she had just heard.**

Of course, on their walk, Harry and Ginny did everything BUT discuss the match. They entered Hagrid's hut and joined in on the fun and games occurring in there.

'Aah, romance,' said Dumbledore, wiping away a tear. 'A magic beyond all we do here.'

Harry, meanwhile, thought it was time to return to his dormitory. Ron would be looking forward to Harry explaining every last detail of what had gone on between him and Ginny. Ron was just weird that way.

So Harry, tired, sweaty and resigned, headed back towards Gryffindor tower, Ginny in tow (she was too drunk to make it back on her own).

'So how was it?' asked Ron excitedly.

**'Oh, it wasn't that great. My dandruff problem is really starting to annoy me.'**

**'Better luck next time.' said Ron in that voice that told Harry that Ron didn't really wish him better luck.**

**'So what is happening between you and Lupin now?' asked Harry attentively.**

Ron winced. 'Please, I don't want to talk about it … have you ever tried getting it on with a werewolf during full moon who obviously wasn't gay and didn't want to be involved with you, while his auror girlfriend, banging on the door, was more than capable of killing you with a single wave of her wand?'

'Ouch,' said Harry, but he could hardly disguise the grin twitching at the corners of his mouth.

'Piss off,' said Ron angrily.

Annoyed, Harry shut the curtains surrounding his bed, but squealed when he saw The Snitch fluttering about his hot little head.

**'Go away, I'm not in the mood tonight!' and The Snitch fluttered away angrily.**

**Meanwhile, in a distant land, Draco had emerged from under the … car boot … yes, that'll work and groaned. Pansy Parkinson had just come waltzing down the road, fresh out of her first year at Hogwarts.**

**'What you doin' filly?' she asked.**

A vein pulsed in Draco's eyelid.

Curious, thought Pansy. I've never seen that before.

'Parkinson, I thought I told you three years ago, _we're no longer involved._'

Pansy fluttered her eyelids. 'Thank you for asking, Draconius, I had a lovely time last night too!'

Draco was trying as hard as he possibly could to suppress his rage.

'But then, you see, my sister-in-law's grandmother turned up, and of course, I had to excuse myself,' Pansy giggled girlishly – or as girlishly as a transvestite could giggle.

That did it for Draco – he could take no more. Pulling out his AK47, he fired three shots directly into her head. Pansy was killed instantly.

**Everyone rejoiced for this was the happiest day of their lives. Yes the fact that pansy Parkinson was dead helped; but there was more to it. Oh yes, Cedric had died. He was the most annoying ponce anyone new. Harry of course had hidden the real event of his death by saying that Voldemort had risen from the dead and of course Dumbledore believed him. And if Dumbledore believed Harry, everyone believed Dumbledore … or is that just too weird to ask?**

'That is too bold,' said Lily Evans intolerably. She could only take so much of Dumbledore's matchmaking. The old fool was clearly a romantic – he just luuurved pairing together the students he thought best suited to each other. First he made Lily and James Head Boy and Girl, then he made Ron and Hermione prefects together, he made Harry Quidditch Captain because he knew Ginny would be on the team … but the fool was not always correct in his matches. Tom Riddle and Moaning Myrtle were prefects together, for instance, and they clearly got off on the wrong foot.

But as for the other pairings … well, let's just say the midnight patrolling eventually payed off for our esteemed Head Boy and Girl from the late 1970's, and Ron and Hermione … well …

And so, after Cedric's death, Lily magically reincarnated herself, James, and Sirius, to help Harry cope with his death. Not that Harry actually cared – and Lily was well aware of that. In all truthfulness, she just wanted to see her dear son again.

**Harry was really getting sick of his parents trying to be good parents, but it just wasn't the same when they had been dead for sixteen years. Like who would want to even touch people that looked like they were fresh out floating in a tank of water for 2000 years. They were wrinkled, green and their breath wasn't at all something to brag about but they were indeed alive. So Harry decided to put a stop to all this nonsense and magiced them to death. Jee….all those years of mourning over his parents death and he didn't really miss them at all - he just wanted attention.**

And so it was, that Lily, James and Sirius were killed yet again, but they secretly enjoyed the afterlife better. Lily and James could do whatever they wanted … and I mean _whatever_ they wanted … without being disturbed once, and Sirius had converted to Druidism and was hugging every tree he saw.

This made everybody happy. Everybody, that was, until a little Snitch came right up behind Harry, and whispered, 'Boo!'

'YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I WILL AVADA KEDAVRA YOUR ASS INTO OBLIVION!' Screamed Harry, thanking Tonks for her insults.

Speaking of Tonks, Lupin had proposed to her a while back and her wedding was tomorrow night. Remembering this, she quickly alerted Remus who sent out letters to everyone he knew - Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny included.

**Harry arrived at their place fully clothed (for once) and he was wearing his best suit that he borrowed off Grawp. Hermione had dressed down as usual and Ron was wearing those pathetic dress robes that he wears everywhere. (You know the ones). And Ginny wasn't wearing anything at all, much to the disgust of everyone.**

Everyone except Harry, that is. Seeing Ginny, he abandoned all inhibitions and ripped off his clothes to join her. She grinned at him, and he grinned at her, and we all know what happened next …

They all went to live in a nudist colony together.

Of course, this made everyone happy; Ron and Hermione, who could now continue their ventures in private; Dumbledore, who was getting turned on by the two and couldn't stand any more; Tonks and Lupin, who didn't approve of nakedness at their wedding; Bill and Fleur, who were annoyed by their presence; Dobby and Winky, who were sick of being slaves; Lily and James, who hated their son because he survived and they didn't; Sirius, because he was forced to give away all the money in his will to that little brat; Umbridge, Mad-Eye Moody, The Snitch, all the past and present teachers at Hogwarts, all members of the Order of the Phoenix, all the portraits in Dumbledore's office, all the students in Hogwarts, all the Death Eaters, all of the Weasley and Granger family, all of the Hogwarts students families, all the ghosts at Hogwarts, Peeves the Poltergeist, everyone who owned or worked at shops in Diagon Alley, Knockturn Alley or Hogsmeade, people in books like Nicolas Flamel, all the house-elves and centaurs and merpeople, Grawp, Fang, Fluffy, all the animals, magical or not, the filmmakers of Harry Potter, and Lord Voldemort, who just plain hated Harry and Ginny; and, of course the wonderful JK Rowling, who had wanted her idiotic character dead from the beginning.

So, quite frankly, it was a win-win situation. The world was happy (and so was Harry) thus, this is a happy, happy ending.

**THE END**


End file.
